N7 Tagalong
by Obop
Summary: A thoughtful OC character comes back to the Normandy under false pretenses and challenges Shepard's fragile state of mind. He struggles to find a way to stay with the people he has come to know and to fight for the future of his friends. If you can't put your ideals to the test, can you defend them to yourself? Recounts events from ME1/2 and is set in the ME3 universe. Shenko
1. Easier Times

Chapter 1 – Back in action.

Any news was big news on Watson, let alone a summons from the first human Spectre John Shepard. When the message came in that he was looking for little ol' me I guess I was not as starstruck as the colonists around me were. I was new to the colony by only 11 months or about and therefore the news from the most influential human in years coming to the mysterious new guy who came on a crashed medical pod had the whole village chewing at their cheeks to spit out questions. I wandered down the dirt road over to the communications relay that the alliance had established back when the Reykjavik compromise had let them colonize initially on the planet. It was a very old building but well maintained despite the cool climate and heavy weather that accompanied it. When I entered the building I felt a sense of trepidation, the last time I had seen John we were chasing after a biotic named Jack. I had snuck away from he and Garrus in an attempt to free Jack when things started to get out of hand. The shittiest part of the situation seemed not to be the attack dogs they sent after me when I got to the security checkpoint; no they were the easy part surprisingly. In my head I began to conjure the picture of the station collapsing around me as I watched John and Garrus fight through the destroyed remains of the chaotic biotic's aftermath.

The only thing I could do after the door was smashed closed by the weight of the roof as the artificial gravity went haywire above was ensure that the commander was able to get to Jack. I wasn't a great hacker but it wasn't much to open all of the doors in the way or to ensure that they were able to get aboard the Normandy despite the lockdown. I remember the sweat on my forehead, the fear churning the bile in my stomach until I felt like I either had to vomit or scream in frustration. The last thing I could honestly say I remembered was wondering how I would get out of the situation as I ran into the medical bay attached to the room. I remember popping a pod and then the sound of a large concussive force - everything from that point is haze. When I came to I was aboard an alliance vessel as it was heading towards Watson. The rest, well frankly, was nothing to me. It was life. It had always been unpredictable for me so I had learned to roll with the punches.

Upon receiving the data pad with the message my eyes had a hard time telling my brain this was something that was actually going on.

"From: Commander John Shepard aboard the vessel The Normandy.

To: Alex Valestros, resident of the colony Aretha on the planet Watson.

"Alex, it has been a long time since we have worked together. When the explosion took the Purgatory we were informed you had gone MIA and it was assumed you had died. There was a funeral in your honor aboard the Normandy. Aboard the Citadel I was able to view the recording of you fighting off Cerberus forces when they attacked Aretha. Frankly, I was astounded you were still alive and had become such a force to reckon with. We are mounting a fight against the Reapers and I could use your help. If you're interested then let's meet in private aboard the Normandy. Relay a message back and I'll send out a shuttle to pick you up and take you here.

It's good to know you're still alive.

-John"

I took the holopad back with me to the house I was staying at and set it down lightly on the bed as I walked over to the closet where I had kept my armor. A long time ago my armor had been state of the art – with a little help from Aria T'Loak's repertoire of friends. It boasted the most advanced cloaking technology and two omniblades which were able to maintain a high energy slash for extended periods. I was shit with a rifle, never really got my hands on them as a kid, but up close and person it didn't matter what your aim was like and I found that most people were trained with guns but they were only "trained" to fight. You had to learn to play to your strengths if you wanted to survive on Omega. After meeting Mordin Solus aboard the Normandy he helped me to develop an internal cloaking array, nothing amazing, but reliable and effective. It was nothing that the army hadn't been toying with for a while but Mordin was a bio-engineer of literally no compare. Mine was the best I had ever seen. Even without armor on I could fight and kill a trained soldier now – but I was no biotic so the armor was necessary for shielding technology. My armor was special, though. I had grinded the helmet down on the front until I was able to give it the appearance of a grisly looking skull. After some heat exchange modifications to counteract the high energy output in the advanced omniblade tech, the whole thing came together to look like something out of a comic book; heat seeping from the back to look like ethereal, formless darkstar coalescing and a black armor that looked like it was steeped in the darkest tar. The plating was Mordin's design also, mixed with some Alliance tech and altogether I liked the feeling of it when I wore it. It earned me the moniker "the Shade" on Omega. With a pointy witch touch on the helmet that made it look like a hood sitting on the face of a demon and armor that was jagged and obtuse yet fleet of foot in design I liked to think I was some kind of geist, bounding around eviscerating bowels out of Cerberus agents and husks.

Touching the armor for the first time in months I began to recall what it was like to join Shepard when we fought to take down Saren. I remember the limitless effort he seemed to show in the line of duty and he persevered through the hardships and carried us to defeating Sovereign. I had kept a souvenir very close to me from that reaper, a piece of the ship which was integrated into my heat management system for the cloaking array. I had extreme respect for John and yet here we were for the third time falling in together to save the universe. My second time aboard the Normandy was short lived due to the Purgatory fiasco. I never really got a chance to see the fight with the collectors through and I regretted it. I wanted to be there, tearing into some shadowy part of space and blowing up a ship that had no place in a galaxy that wasn't part of some cockamamie story, like the vids talked about.

Part of me said to stay here and ignore the message – let him think I was dead. I had a life going here anyway. I had found a family which took me in, a humble job, a sort of relationship with a soldier stationed here. What would I gain from the Normandy when a family, loyalty, a sense of belonging was the only thing I had wanted since I was 7 and my parents were plunging deep into red sand to pretend their gambling debts didn't really exist? Absolution, maybe. A mulligan on the saving-the-universe thing.

I had been reading philosophy books for years – it was my subject of choice. I would sit for endless hours in my room on omega pouring through old proofs and manuscripts from different species and time periods. I remember John coming in to clear his conscience every now and then on the Normandy and I would talk to him about things larger than just us, then the war we were in. Things like life, like Justice, things that were immutable. I remember relishing the feeling that John didn't see me like a child – instead he took what I had to say and thought about it, often returning to talk more about it.

That was a warm memory, one warm enough to remind of the good times aboard the Normandy, of fighting next to Shepard, Garrus, Ashley, rest her soul, Wrex (my favorite extinction machine), Tali'Zorah and Kaidan. Kaidan. I buried that deep back in myself. Kaidan was my boyhood crush, you could say. Tall, dark and a wielder of that space magic that only fairies used to protect themselves. We had gone on plenty of missions together when we were after Saren and Sovereign. I had grown close to Kaidan, closer than I think he thought we were. I couldn't blame him, I was pretty young and not really a soldier but I could handle myself and that's all that mattered. I remembered telling Shepard about my feelings for Kaidan and it was the first time he ever smiled at me with the face of a friend instead of that of a commander. We laughed heartily about it, talking about the li. I knew about the night that they had shared together before Ilos and I never once felt a twinge of jealousy – well, at least not malicious jealousy.

Steeping in reminiscence was starting to give me the reasons I needed to leave Aretha behind. There was still a family here though, still a life. I picked up the holopad and wrote back simply "64-35-67. Shep." It couldn't have hurt to keep my options open. Not but moments later I received a message back from the Normandy,

"The shuttle will be there around 2100 hours. Lieutenant Cortez will pick you up. I'm looking forward to it.

-Shep"

That was the first time in history Shepard ever responded to me while calling himself Shep, things had changed indeed. I needed to say my goodbyes for the night and explain what was going on to the ones that mattered but first I needed to pack up my armor.

Saying goodbye was harder than I thought it would be but I didn't think it would be the last time I saw them: I mean, I was just going to see Shepard and the Normandy again. I figured I would see how I felt when the time came. Around 2100 hours exactly an alliance cruiser came to settle down on the grass on the outskirts of the colony. There I was, standing patiently with a duffle bag of heavy armor in one hand and the holopad in the other. Out stepped a tall Spanish gentleman with a bit of a gut who went by the name Cortez. His personality was bubbly as he invited me aboard the ship, dropping a few compliments here and there about seeing me thrash Cerberus agents and what he had heard from Shepard. I thanked him and stepped aboard the ship, sitting in the back on one of the hard benches. Aboard the vessel was one man in full armor who nodded to me. I nodded back, admiring his alliance gear and settled into the seat.

"This was a life I didn't think I would fall back into for a third time," I called over to Cortez who nodded with a small laugh.

"No one ever expects these kinds of things, they just happen."

Something in the pit of my gut said "No, no this is a negative situation. Leave this ship now." Then it was a conglomerate of things that hit me all at once and I began to pick apart in my head as the soldier across from me squared me in his sights with a shotgun. Shepard responding back "shep", the inviting nature of the Lieutenant, miraculously finding me here of all places; everything was a simple pretense to get me aboard this ship. I raised my arms into the air and shook my head, "I'll go willingly, don't worry about killing me."

The soldier nodded, putting his shotgun into a more relaxed position as he retrieved a smaller stun gun from his pocket. I took a deep breath and activated that internal cloaking, reminding myself for the 1000th time since getting it that if I ever saw Mordin again, I would thank him and kiss his weird feet.

Two things happened then. I plunged an energy blade deep into the ribcage of the soldier in front of me and watched decaying, grayed skin emerge and the soldier fired his stun gun and it caught me in the side, shaking me internally until I whited out to the sound of the ship pulling away from orbit and the fear of knowing that whatever was in front of me, it wasn't human – or at least not anymore. Would I be the same?

Antiseptic – the whir of machinery – the stinging sensation of blood being drawn – I see only glimpses of a heavily armored lab room – there is a group of people around me – they stare at me – I shout wordlessly, breathlessly – I panic – the panic fades – I drift in and out of sleep – so tired, so heavy – thoughts and ideas blending into dreams I hardly remember – there is a commotion – loud shots echo as they fire past and around me – a blue hue fills the room – blue eyes look down at me and the face of an Asari passes over my peripheral – they talk in short bursts – a large man fires a gun over their shoulders – Shepard? I remember being hauled up from where I was and glimpses of the floor hurrying past me. I'm set gingerly onto something cold and hard and someone speaks to me. They make the noises that people make when they think you're going to die. I begin to panic. I panic that I'm going to die. Moments stretch on but my body sinks away and leaves me adrift in my own panic. Before I can drown I completely black out. There is still a voice somewhere, light, aromatic in a sense, begging me to return to older thoughts. I think of my mom and I smile on the inside.

As I awakened I began to hear the mutterings of a woman over my shoulder, seemingly speaking to no one as she thinks out loud about procuring something that sounds like a drink. I turned my head to find the room different looking then what I had remembered. Where was I? Was I still captured? Suddenly all of that panic hits me at once and I hear blood pumping in my temples. A machine next to me begins to click repeatedly and I panic that I'm going to be swarmed by those inhuman shapes that were so foggy yet so real in my mind. I found my muscles atrophied from disuse but I was still able to slide out of the bed I was on and fall to my knees next to some kind of table. Even though my head hit a metal railing hard enough to addle me, I didn't feel the pain much; I just knew I had to get out of this room immediately. An older woman came jogging over to me saying something in a soothing, but urgent tone and she reached over to touch me. My initial reaction was to attack and that overtook my body before I could tell it not to. I threw myself in her direction, muscles still aching but coming to life in my flight. I tackled her to the ground and pulled my hand up prepared to throw everything I had into one punch of catastrophically weak power. Around me I heard a swarming of movement and the door next to me threw open. Three men entered the chamber, two holding rifles and another with his hands in the air in mock surrender. I didn't understand, what was happening? Why wasn't I restrained? Why weren't they attacking? I glanced down at the woman and I found an older Karin Chakwas giving me a motherly look, asking me slowly to relax and trying to reassure me I was just panicking. I watched blood trickle down my arms but I'm not sure where from. The man in front came and kneeled down by me and now I was staring into the eyes of John Shepard. The real John Shepard.

He put a hand on my shoulder and helped me to my feet slowly. "Alex, you're on the Normandy right now. You're no longer in the Cerberus lab. That is Dr. Chakwas you just attacked. We're your friends, not Cerberus."

I nodded to him but the words hadn't really sunk in. When had I gotten to the Normandy? How Was I on Watson just an hour ago and now I was here, shirtless, bleeding, scared? "Shep, the real one?"

John smiled just at the corners of his mouth, his eyes giving me a concerned look, "Are you alright Alex? Would you like to sit down for a moment?"

I turned my head to find Karin on her feet, giving me her approval to Shepard's idea and motioning me back to the table. I followed their orders and stumbled slowly, with Shepard's help, back to the bed I was on initially.

Karin came over to me and pulled my hair up on my forehead, "you're going to get quite a goose egg for that one, kiddo. That's going to hurt in the morning." As she looked me over the idea of being on the Normandy began to coalesce into some semblance of space and time in relation to me. I tried to ask a question but it was formless in my confusion and I simply gawked my mouth open for a second and then snapped it shut with a grimace of disappointment. Karin must have noticed because she began speaking slowly to me. "We found you at a Cerberus laboratory on Sanctum. You're a lucky kid that it just so happened that someone reported you missing and brought up Shepard's name. The details are a bit complex, but for right now just know that you're back on the Normandy and you're going to need some time to recover before you pull another stunt like that."

I turned from facing her to looking at John who hadn't retreated much from his earlier position. The two soldiers at the door were sent away with a nod from the commander and he put his heavy hand on my bare shoulder. I felt a little awkward, not that another man was touching my bare shoulder, or because it was Shepard who had done this many times, but because now that I was older I could appreciate Shepard in a new light. "You're going to be alright in Chakwas' care, she's been pulling our asses from the fire for years."

I nodded half-heartedly," I don't understand," I began, my thoughts formulating in a line for me but slower than usual, "You asked me to report back to the Normandy. I got aboard the ship…but it was a trap. Where did I go? What happened?" I looked over Shepard, sizing him up for the first time in months, "Are you really Shepard?"

Karin stepped away and Shepard leaned in towards my ear, "If I weren't Shepard, I wouldn't know you have a deep crush on a certain soldier who goes by the name Kaidan."

He retreated smiling that boyish grin he got when he was doing something he shouldn't have been but I couldn't match his enthusiasm, I was still too out of it to really _understand_ the reason he would say that. I just nodded at him.

Shepard stayed in the room as Karin bandaged me up on my forehead. Strangely I already had bandages on my forearms. I wondered at them but I figured it was trauma related. As I sat there getting poked and prodded Shepard and Karin spoke lightly to each other about a menagerie of things. Apparently Kaidan was in the hospital and had been injured in the line of duty. Last I knew he wasn't working with Shepard. That was because Shepard had been rebuilt by Cerberus after getting attacked by what I assumed was some kind of reaper attack ship. I couldn't recall perfectly…but that meant Shepard was with Cerberus then, right? And he said Cerberus was after me. Whatever was slowing me down was ebbing out of my system and I was able to start feeling my senses again. "Shepard," I said slowly, calling their mutual attention back to me, "aren't you with Cerberus?"

He shook his head slowly, "No, we left them a long time ago. Cerberus was too extreme. We're flying alliance again."

"Oh," was all I was able to muster at the time. A menagerie of strange memories began to hit me. "Remember when Wrex and I had that breath holding contest and he passed out on top of that alliance soldier?"

Dr. Chakwas rolled her eyes with a smile and grabbed another tool off the table while Shepard laughed a bit in his throat, giving me that smirk of his again. "It's good to have you back on board, Alex. I had forgotten what it was like to have someone with a sense of humor on this ship."

Shepard gave Dr. Chakwas a good night and rose from where he was leaning, making his way towards the door. He turned as he left and gave me a wave, "You don't know how glad I am to see you again, Alex." He sounded as if a stone that was on his chest had been lifted off and he could breathe easier. I guess I never wondered if my supposed death had hit the commander as badly as Ashley's had – rest her soul.

"It's good to be home, Shep." I called after him. We exchanged a smile, one that rose naturally from me, one that I had thought only my newly acquired soldier could elicit from me, and he left the medical bay, the doors closing tightly behind him.

Dr. Chakwas didn't speak much, afraid of upsetting me in my confusion. She reassured me a little rest and everything would begin to make sense to me. I knew Dr. Chakwas was good at her job, in fact, one of the best I'd ever had the pleasure of being wounded in front of so I took her advice and laid back down in bed. I glanced down and saw that all I was wearing was a pair of underwear that was blue and white. In the elastic of them read the name " ." Suddenly I felt a little uncomfortable. It must have been John.

What a Prick.


	2. Old friends

Chapter 2 – Doc Chak

I slept pretty soundly despite all that had happened. I made a mental note of a couple key things to ask about: Did they find my gear, how long was I with Cerberus, was Kaidan somewhere out there with no undies on? Did he need help getting them on? Could we share the pair? Maybe? I laughed the thought away remembering Peter back in Aretha. I would have to send him a message when I got the chance. I had promised I wouldn't leave the system without at least saying good bye in person. The good thing about dating a soldier was that they understood when something bigger than just two people was going on and when one person would have to make that sacrifice. He didn't ask me to stay, it would have been inappropriate. He simply hugged me and made me promise to let him know what was going on.

In the morning Dr. Chakwas returned to me to look me over again. She came in wearing a pair of dress slacks and purple blouse, strangely it was the first time I'd ever seen her in regular clothing. I tried to whistle but then I remembered I never could so instead I opted for a howl. "Well, well," I said, in a raspy tone as my voice worked out some kinks, "hello, nurse."

Chakwas never gave a laugh for anything less than comedy gold so she just shook my comment off and nodded, "and good morning to you also, Alex. How are you feeling today?"

I sat up and put my feet flat on the cold metal floor of the ship. EDI came to life in front of me, "We will be at the citadel in 30 minutes Doctor."

I hadn't gotten used to EDI back then and never really got the shackled AI thing but it only felt right to say good morning to her also. "It's been a long time, EDI. Good morning to you too."

"Good morning, Mr. Valestros."

You couldn't have expected anything else but a Spartan answer from an AI so I didn't think much of her shortness. "Did you miss me?"

The small blue orb came up in front of me and did a small scan of the surroundings, "No, but I am relieved to see the commander in such high spirits. It will be a pleasure to get to know you if you should decide to stay aboard the Normandy."

I climbed to my feet and stretched out some sore muscles. All in all, I felt like I had gotten very trashed on cheap, horrible booze and was recovering from a terrible hangover. The headache wasn't there but bending over told me enough to know that moving quickly was on the bad list. So was picking anything heavy up or trying to stretch my arms.

Dr. Chakwas came over to me and motioned to a small container on the floor, "Everything they were able to find of yours is in that box." Chakwas took a read of a small holopad by my bed and lectured, "Well you're going to need to rest before you get to jumping around very much but you should be alright to walk around. Your muscles need the exercise. You should consider coming to the citadel today. The crew will be taking a small reprieve and it will give you time to walk around. Just don't overdo it. If you have to sit down, then sit down." She touched my forehead where he had put on a band aid earlier, "got it?"

I nodded, "Yes, teacher."

She smiled and gave me her back. "You're old enough to be smacked, now, Alex. Don't try your luck."

"So how long was I with Cerberus? What did they want me for?"

Karin was rearranging papers on her desk, looking for something and when she came upon it she gave an audible approval and set it into her pocket, "Well, we received a notification about the faked message to you about 18 hours after it was sent. It took about 16 hours to get to Watson and track the message origination point at Sanctum. I would say in all just less than two days. As for why they wanted you, well I can't say. Your forearms had been spread open as if they were looking for something but we aren't sure why. Maybe your internalized array of technology but I wouldn't know why they searched in your arms." The good doctor turned around, her pale eyes glancing over me, "We were hoping you had some recollection of the event, or an idea as to why they sought you out. You fell off the radar; they must have put in some serious effort to find you."

I poured over my recent ongoing but had no idea what why they would have wanted me, "I wish I could tell you something helpful but I've got nothing."

She shrugged graciously, "don't worry about it hun. We've got the Alliance's best on it."

I glanced through the box by my bed and found my duffle bag I had brought, kindly enough my gear had been tampered with but not hurt, it seemed. Still, I'd have to give it to someone to make sure they didn't leave me any surprises in my helmet or something like that. I figured I could trust the red shirt and blue jeans so I took those with me and skulked off towards where I knew the shower had been. The Normandy had undergone some changes it seemed, again, but EDI was there to help me find my way. There was no one to see on my way to the bathroom, frankly I was happy. No one needed to know I was wearing Kaidan's undies.

The shower was an incredible feeling. After having been stuck to a bed for so long, a long shower was exactly what I needed to get myself back to the world of the living. I asked EDI if she could run a diagnostic on my omnitool to make sure it also hadn't been tampered with and she said that it was fine. I sent a message off to Peter to relate to all of the right people. "Was in trouble. All is well now. Will respond when I can. Miss you, Alex". It was short, it was sweet, it was to the point and adequate for the situation, all things considered. The sterile showers in the Normandy were not quite as big as I remembered. Maybe I had just gotten used to them how they were and with the upgrades to the amenities it would take me some time before adapting. That was assuming Shepard wanted me aboard the Normandy. In fact, I didn't even know what they were doing in this part of space. Was it still the same group as before? Would Miranda come in at any moment and tell me I was using too much water? Would Jacob come in to brush his teeth for the fourth time in the afternoon? What was the alliance doing now?

Without my bandages on I could tell my arms had gotten seriously dissected by some Cerberus doctors. The stitches were precise but all of the medi-gel they could toss on me couldn't rebuild enough of my upper epithelial layers to hide the immense scars I would be left with. Surgical precision was not Cerberus' M.O. Being fucking crazy seemed to be what they were driving at. I touched the bruised skin on my arms and recoiled at its tenderness. That was a real bummer for a guy who fought mainly with his hands.

I stepped out into the main part of the bathroom and looked myself over in the mirror. My brown hair was getting longer than I had ever kept it now and would need some taming before it started to pass my eyes. The bump on my forehead, just as predicted, had a nice egg-shaped look to it. I would have touched it if I wasn't so afraid of popping it open. Was there really any rational reason or touching it anyway? No, I supposed not.

Clothes on, hair neatly lain across my head and to the side for a professional look I stepped out onto the cool air of the crew deck and found a few soldiers enjoying something at the table. I really wasn't one for small talk but as I passed on my way over to the elevator I nodded in their direction. Nobody said a word to me, I guess understanding I would be here. I tried not to press the issue; I had no idea why I was here either. I took the elevator up to the Captain's Cabin thinking I would find John there but he was nowhere to be found and EDI was obstinate about not letting me into the room without approval. I gave up and figured I would try the CIC where I knew John used to spend a lot of time looking things over. I never knew if he really understood all of the mechanical marvels that make up the Normandy but he sure as hell spent a lot of time spinning in circles and inspecting things so he must have gleaned some experience off all of that searching – at least I hoped. Sure, I could have asked EDI where John was just to speed things up but why do that when I could scope this place out in totality. Even if I didn't stay I would kick myself if I didn't look over the ship.

The elevator was much faster than I remembered it being. In fact when it didn't take two minutes to go up one floor I was almost ready to kiss the ship. I asked EDI what changes they made and she simply answered back, "It's a better ship than when you were on her, Mr. Valestros."

I laughed and emerged from the elevator to see a large holographic map of the galaxy and the citadel floating in it. Shepard was speaking to a man towards the front of the ship but my progress was stopped by a younger woman with a short brunette bob and a cute, mousy face. She put her hand out to me with a straight back and all of the dignity that came with being a soldier on the alliance. "Good to see you're awake. My name is Samantha Traynor and I serve on the Normandy as," she tasted the words in her mouth for a moment before making a distasteful expression "well – as of right now as a debugger it seems like."

EDI sprung to life above me and got my attention with a cutting remark, "Specialist Traynor serves aboard the Normandy as a technical assistant on the command deck, she also just so happens to be the only one aboard who can stall and fix the Normandy's communications system within an hour."

I glanced over at Traynor with a surprised smile creeping onto my face, "When did EDI become fun?"

She blushed a bit, "I'm biased, do not ask me."

Down the corridor I saw Shepard eyeball me and pat the gentleman he was speaking to on the back to send him away. As he walked towards me I was able to take measure of the man in front of me. Shepard was somewhere in the area of 6' or maybe 6'1'' on a tall day with a short brown crew cut and a soft 5 o'clock shadow on his face. He must have weighed around 190 with a lean but strong looking body in his personal clothes. That much seemed to stay the same for all of the times I'd ever seen him. Since his repair by Cerberus I knew he had some serious scarring on his face but time had dulled that it seemed and actually I would imagine a man who had been through so much fighting to come out looking like an aesthetic car wreck but Shepard had earned every line, every scratch and he wore it well. Looking at his cracked lips belied the handsome look of his jawline. If you focused on the scar by his cheekbone, you missed the proud nose and brilliant eye color. Even the part of his hairline that was MIA, albeit only a small part could distract from the everyman look that he exuded. Shepard was by no means the latter. The Vids would describe him as a rugged man. I would describe him as well worn. Shepard was not really my type of guy, although he fit to almost the entire checklist. I guess I never took the time to look him over as a potential candidate for infiltration because when you work with someone in a situation that involves knowing their reactions to every situation for your survival you begin to look at them very clinically. I respected Shepard, I liked Shepard, I even loved Shepard but looking at him in that light seemed almost vulgar to me. Someone who deserved all of your respect should not be a candidate for sex.

We exchanged a handshake which was a much more formal greeting then I would expect to receive from someone who I considered so close to me but he was still had to keep some semblance of dignity on the ship so I let it roll off my shoulders. "Specialist Traynor talking your ear off about something dry, I'm guessing?"

Samantha seemed to have a rapport with the commander because she laughed a bit and looked away behind her at nothing in particular, "I try to have one technical conversation with you and I have to hear about it every day henceforth."

Technical I wasn't very good at. I wasn't stupid – but I punched things until they weren't alive anymore. A refined sense of anything wasn't my forte. "Oh don't look in my direction; I just hit things until they're dead. I'm practically a Krogan with fewer testicles."

She smiled at that and shook her head, "Your psych report says you're actually fairly intelligent for not having much formal schooling. If I remember correctly, it says you have a penchant for reading Salarian logic books. It takes some brains to comprehend that."

The Salarians weren't really my favorites because everything they write is in short bursts of logic. The sentences. They're sparse but many. The dialect is hard to discern. Sometimes it seems to be spoken from an objective source as if the author lost himself in his own thoughts and his fingers kept going without his consent.

"I could see why you would believe that when you're standing next to a guy who defies death itself. Not much on this ship makes sense." I glanced over to Shepard and got his attention back on me, "where is Wrex? It's been a long time."

Shepard looked up and pursed his lips, counting something on his large fingers, "Right now? Leading the Krogan to a new waterhole I think."

"I must have been gone for quite a while."

Shepard nodded at me and excused us from Samantha, "Why don't we take a quick walk and I'll get you up to speed on a few things."

The spectre walked calmly next to me, his black civilian boots hitting the metal hull of the deck with a clicking echo. Glancing over at John I caught him lost in his thoughts for a moment. The hallmark of Shepard was his uncanny ability to understand situations from many angles. Maybe that was just part of being a leader, empathy to an extent that was beyond what you expected from the average joe.

As we entered into the elevator I figured I would refresh him with what I remember, which frankly was everything. How do you not remember stabbing husks while your commander teleports in space magic through a robot? "So I'm assuming we lost Miranda when you left Cerberus?" Shepard nodded to me and pressed the button to head down to the cargo deck. "Taylor probably went with her, huh?"

"Yeah, when I left Cerberus I couldn't convince them to leave also. They had their own reasons and I couldn't blame them for that. After we stormed the collector ship most of us were tired, ready for a change. You don't come out of a situation like that unscathed." John's pensive attitude proved he had some kind of memories he left behind on that mission. I wondered if he had lost anyone.

"Where is Mordin, is he still your research guru?"

Shepard puffed out his lips and took a moment before speaking, "I think he may have returned to working with the Salarian special ops as a researcher. We had a few others come with us that you may not have met. I think they came after that tragedy on the Purgatory."

"Is that what we're calling it?"

Shepard didn't miss a step, "I don't lose soldiers. Especially not 20 year old civs, Alex. To me, it was a tragedy." I just nodded and let the conversation dwindle for a moment, unable to grasp the right things to say in the moment.

"Where's the Gar-bear?" Shepard chuckled a bit.

"He's somewhere around here, probably fiddling with calibrations or something of the sort. He lives for that kind of thing."

As the elevator opened on the bottom level I had just one more person on my mind, "What ever happened to Kaidan?"

John seemed visibly shaken by the question but he answered promptly, "he and I had a bit of a falling out and by a turn of events he's back with the Normandy – or he will be once he gets out of the hospital. I'm planning on going to see him today on the Citadel and find out if he's alright."

I gave him a conciliatory glance and found myself searching my feelings for the right words to say. I knew Shepard had a history with romance, being that it was few and far between for the soldier, and taking Kaidan into his life was not a choice he took lightly. I wanted to know more, but I didn't want to delve too deeply and upset him. "Do you mind if I come? The last time I saw him was years ago now."

The commander nodded to me and brushed the subject away before I could ask him anything else. Shepard was not usually so sheepish so I took the cue that this just happened to be something that really wasn't up for discussion. Although my curiosity was peaked, my duty to my friend was far more tangible to me. He passed the conversation over to a gentleman who was standing over by a ground vehicle running some kind of test on the axels. The man looked a bit younger than Shepard but not by much. As he stood to salute the commander I was able to see him fully. He had darker skin, but seeing that the lighting seemed poor, it made him seem darker than he probably was. His eyes were a deep shade of brown and the face fur he was sporting was well manicured – about as well as his crew cut. He was an attractive man and it made me think of Peter. "This is Lieutenant Steven Cortez; he's our shuttle pilot and keeps everything running down here in the bay. Cortez, this is Alexander Valestros, an old teammate that's come back from the dead."

Steven gave me a once over, I assume to get an idea of why a kid would be a teammate of the commander but he seemed satisfied with whatever he got because he smiled and extended a hand to me with a greeting said in a masculine tone, "Any zombie of the commander's is a zombie of mine. It's nice to meet you." The lieutenant turned his head back to the commander, regarding him with an earnest pleasure, "What brings you guys down here to the salt mines?"

Shepard answered him first before I could which was fine by me seeing as my answer wasn't as witty as his own, "I was hoping I would show him the better parts of the ship before he remembers me much."

I shook the lieutenant's calloused hand and felt him squeeze tightly with that kind of finger strength that only engineers really had. "I'm planning to use that hand again at some point, Steve. I'd appreciate it if you didn't crush to bits."

A larger man, one that I remembered somehow from a distant memory began walking towards us from a makeshift weight bench back in the docking bay. As Steven retreated bashfully a step in answer to my comment the larger man called over to him, "Esteban, you need some help over there?"

He exchanged a glance with the commander that I wouldn't have pegged as entirely sure of himself. It wasn't an uncommon gesture around a man of his stature but it seemed comical in a way when it came from a guy whose neck muscles were as large as my hands. Well, maybe that was a bit of a stretch, but not by much. Andre the Giant gave me a nod, "How's it going, vato?"

I nodded back to him, "I think I've seen you somewhere before, with a shotgun."

He gave me a not bad smirk and his voice picked up a bit of excitement, "So you remember something about us coming for you."

I turned and caught the attention of Steven who was smiling at the larger man, "just bits and pieces. Shouts, guns, colors, things like that. They had me snorting red sand or something so it's mostly just Technicolor madness when I think about it."

He put his hand out, "James."

Shepard interrupted any further revelry as he was prone to do. Once the guy had something to say, you couldn't derail that thought without having a train collide into you. It was better to just let him speak then get the look of disapproval. I shuddered a bit – that was a look I had gotten once. I didn't much care to think about it. "We're hitting the Citadel in just a few minutes if you guys want to depart for a couple of hours while we refuel and restock."

James nodded a bit, "you got it, loco. I've got some things to take care of anyway."

Shepard left it at that, saying my goodbye for me, and led us back up to the CIC. There was a lot for me to take in so I tried to categorize everything in my head. I smiled at John as we headed up to the deck in the elevator. To me it felt like there was still some kind of awkward air lingering around so without looking at him I just put it out there, "I don't regret coming back Shep. I don't regret the Purgatory either. I did what I was supposed to do."

"You were supposed to come back to the Normandy."

I shook my head, refusing to glance over at him. This was one of those moments between two soldiers that you didn't want to make inappropriate with an admission of too much body language. Even though I wasn't a soldier, I had been around them for the past two years and picked up a couple of the subtle nuances. "I was supposed to keep the only guy who could save the universe alive." Shepard didn't say anything back to me but when we got off the elevator he walked past me and off to Samantha without giving me any kind of acknowledgement for what I had said. It made me wonder if he still hadn't come to terms with being the keystone of this battle. Maybe to him he was just John Shepard, a soldier who always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. If that was what he needed to hold onto, I wouldn't say anything else; that wasn't my place.


	3. Huerta

Chap 3 – Little Piggies

Huerta Memorial Hospital. Ahh, Huerta. I didn't remember anything about it but I could appreciate the severity with which they scrambled around the floor trying to get to all of the patients they already had stashed around. If you weren't too banged up they would give you a cast, some painkillers and send you on your way. If you were death warmed over- well, there wasn't the time or the resources. If you were somewhere in the middle, they were doing their damndest to keep you above room temperature. John walked into the place in front of me, his leather jacket shedding itself and laying on his shoulder for the attendant at the desk to take. She seemed to know John because she pointed to a pair of doors and slid his jacket behind her. I just followed quietly, listening to the soft speeches of family members remembering their loved ones. The news was blaring overhead, recounting the damage done to Earth in brutal details. We were so unprepared for this attack by giant space lice. Any levity I could bring to the subject was unwarranted as no one was ready to look at this as anything other than a tragedy in progress. The man in front of me looked a little rattled as we approached one of the hospital rooms. Through the glass I could see a doctor standing idly by a resting figure.

I sped up a bit to catch up to John and put a hand on his back. At first he tensed, but I caught his eyes and smiled and he seemed to relax a bit. He gave me a halfhearted smile, one meant to reassure me that he was okay. I knew he wasn't, well, at least I was willing to bet that he wasn't. Kaidan was something we talked about for a while; a project that Shepard had skillfully danced around for weeks. He said all the right things, took Kaidan to almost every mission to get to know him, he even got the guy a gift until eventually Kaidan gave him the cues that maybe he was interested back. Shepard, being a human freight train, wasted no time cluing Kaidan in on his feelings. Although it was slow going as each of them fought valiantly against the mistakes of past relationships they were able to lean on each other and make something great out of practically nothing. Knowing all of this I figured John would still have some lingering feelings, even if there was something of a "falling out."

I rubbed John's back lightly while we waited for approval from Kaidan's doctor to enter. "We had a mission on Mars where Kaidan got pretty hammered by a Cerberus bot. He's been unconscious for a while now."

I nodded and kept an eye on the window, wondering what was going on in the room. John continued, "On Horizon," the word catching in his throat like it was made of glass, "he told me he couldn't trust me. We were on two sides fighting the same war. I couldn't convince him to stay so I said some things I can't take back." His shaved head slumped down and he buried his hands in his pockets meekly, "seeing him like this hurts. It hurts to think we were so cruel and then when I get the chance to make amends he ends up in intensive care."

I wish I could have been there on Horizon, imagining it as if I thought that maybe I could have helped them, but in reality they were both stubborn, driven men. Put them on opposite sides and you can't expect a compromise, at least not one that wouldn't cut deeply on both sides. "I think with the universe going to war with giant robots, bygones can be bygones."

He nodded and the door in front of us slid open to reveal an older Salarian gentleman with a data pad blocking our entrance. "He is awake but do not ask him too much. He still has much to recover from."

John nodded and a wash of excitement drained through him and into the ground quickly, his best poker face sliding into place perfectly. As we entered the room John grabbed a chair from the corner and brought it along Kaidan's bed. I could tell by the way Kaidan's skin purpled around his arms and face that whatever that robot had done to him, it had taken him close to the point of no return. I was grateful that as always Shep was there to make sure Kaidan got out of it alive. Kaidan's usual black coif was lying down on his face, his hair messy from lying in bed for so long. I used to wonder sometimes if even in the shower he looked like a young Elvis, not that I thought of Kaidan in the shower much. Maybe that was his Achilles' heel, losing the hairdo. He looked a bit older than I had last seen him, wider across the chest than I remembered but that was a while go, maybe 2 or more years now. It would make sense that he wouldn't be the same guy I kept stored in my mind's eye.

Something in me gasped at the sight of him like that. I did my best to not let it affect me but it was hard to see your boyhood crush all grown up and in pieces.

Kaidan turned his head slowly and glanced over at me and Shepard before speaking in a low, hoarse tone, "Commander, it's good to see you. I'd salute, but my arm might fall off they say."

Shepard smiled sincerely, mothering Kaidan by fluffing his pillow a bit, "It's just John, Kaidan. I think we can be past the formalities."

I walked over and kneeled alongside of the bed, to get on his level. At first he seemed confused but then something clicked in his head and he smiled, "Alex, I thought you had gone MIA aboard the Normandy. Alliance reports had you lost in space."

"It'll take more than a giant, catastrophic space prison explosion leaving me stranded in space to kill me, Kaidan." I felt myself smile wider than I wanted to, "you look good. Well, I mean – you look like you but beat up – but still good."

I would have grabbed his hand but it was hooked up to a nutritive drip and I was afraid of touching it and pulling anything. Instead I put a hand on his leg and he wheezed a pained breath through clenched teeth. Quicker than the speed of embarrassment I retracted my hand and rolled my eyes, mentally chastising myself for doing something so stupid. "Sorry, bud."

He stabilized his breathing and spoke quietly, "it's alright. I didn't even know that part was hurt."

Shep smiled at me, enjoying my embarrassment for a moment before speaking, "it's good to see you awake, Kaidan." He seemed to taste something on his tongue and Kaidan glanced over to me. I wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean but I took it to mean, "private time, please" so I nodded and spoke quickly before Shep got a chance.

"Well I'll let you two kids catch up. I'm going to go see if they have anything topical that can keep the itching down on my arms."

Kaidan gave me a concerned look, the same one he used to give me when I did something he didn't see coming and I gestured to the fresh bandages wrapped around my arms, "Cerberus."

He smiled weakly and glanced over his bed, "Cerberus."

Shepard touched the scar on his face and laughed, "Cerberus."

We all shared a small chuckle and I gave Shep a nod, "I'll be in the waiting room." Unconsciously I touched Kaidan's toe but he didn't recoil in pain this time so I figured it was alright. All I could feel under the cover was a toe wiggle in protest, "Feel better soon Kaidan, this little piggy wants to go home."

Why, why did these things fall out of my face? Shepard gave me the look that that particular comment deserved and I just breathed a heavy sigh and walked outside. Once in the relative privacy of the hallway I took a deep breath to steady myself, the wounds on my body slowing me considerably more than I thought they would. I clicked my omnitool to life and wrote a message to Peter. "Hey Peter, on the Citadel now with the commander saying hello to an old friend. Things have been strange these past few days but I'm sure I'll be able to establish a link to speak to you soon enough. I hope everything is alright. I miss you- Alex."

There, those little words made me feel better. At least I could say something nice when it was written. Why couldn't I do it to Kaidan? I always thought I sounded pretty intelligent around John – it was when I entered the big leagues that I choked up at bat. I had already been switched with the reliever, though. At least he would smooth things over…or considering what he said about Horizon, I hoped he would.

I wandered out to the waiting room and took a seat that was overlooking the fountains that made up the floor of the nice citadel ward. While taking in the peaceful view a Drell approached me and gave me a nod, taking a seat next to me as if we knew each other well. "Hello, my name is Thane. I could have been wrong but I believe I saw you come in with Commander Shepard. I served with him aboard the Normandy."

That definitely got my attention and I turned over and took a closer look at the Drell. He was a tall, thin man who was wearing a black jacket and a tank top over black pants. You definitely wouldn't be able to find this guy if the lights went out. "I served with him for a while also, my name Alex." I put my hand out but he didn't take it, instead he just asked me more about serving with the commander. I didn't think much of the disregard because he wasn't human. We were a relatively new species to the universe so they hadn't adopted any of our mannerisms. The stranger part was adapting to the fact they didn't seem to understand our shame and praise system. Not taking my hand should have been a slight to me, but he wouldn't see it like that because he wouldn't know how I would interpret it. "Well I worked with Shepard when he was pursuing the rogue spectre Saren." I would have added in Sovereign, but surprisingly most people still didn't think that was a reaper attack. "I was also there to begin the investigation into the Collector's, but that was ended early for me."

He nodded, drifting off to a strange habit that some Drell seemed to fall into as easily as someone could fall into sleep, "It is 22:49. I leave the life support room and stare at blue eyes. He looks at me, Shepard is distraught. I approach him and touch his soft blue shirt." Thane's face focused on a place in front of him as if he were staring at John even now. I could see his eyes dart back and forth. "He begins to speak and his breath is soft, his hand gripping his napkin tightly. He talks about Alex. He describes the Purgatory, I apologize to him quietly. Someone enters the room so I leave. I hope he won't get embarrassed by my comforting him. John returns to staring at a plate that has grown cold."

I reached over and touched the Drell man lightly to get his attention back on me. I didn't want to hear any more about putting a friend through emotional hell. Thane seemed to catch himself mid dream and turned his head to me, "Yes, I have heard about you. I am glad the commander was able to establish contact with you again. Do you serve with him now?"

I shook my head, looking out over the fountains, "No, I actually got rescued by Shepard and I'm not sure what my next move now is." I glanced over and found him still looking at me, "what about you? Will you be rejoining the crew on the Normandy?"

"I have a disease called Kepler's Syndrome and it prevents me from doing anything too strenuous. I must wait here at the Citadel and do what I can from here."

"I'm sorry to hear that, I've met Drell with the same problem back where I was staying. They were good men."

He nodded but he didn't say anything from there so I took a look for John who was nowhere to be found. Over the news you could hear them speaking about revamping the council justice system. "I think the council justice system isn't that far gone."

Thane spoke up then, much to my surprise, "Most theories on justice are culturally relevant but not universal. It is not uncommon to find media outlets reporting that the council has upset their personal views."

"I agree with the Salarian theologian Pardun who said that the higher laws of justice are antiquated but in commonality useful for politics."

Thane smiled a bit and nodded, "John had mentioned you read plenty on Salarian and Hanar philosophies. I am happy to see you comprehended them." He turned his head and smiled at the dark haired commander approaching us, "Hello, Shepard. It is good to see you're back. How is the Major?"

Major? I wasn't really sure about the levels in the alliance but he used to be a lieutenant so it must have been a good few years for Kaidan. John looked relieved and spoke to his friend jovially, "Kaidan is doing well enough, he still has some time before he'll be able to get up and move around but we'll see him back to the Normandy if we can."

"This one here reminds me of Kolyat, well if only by his regard to elders. I am relieved to see you in higher spirits then the last time, Shepard."

John took a seat across from us next to the window and began to zip his jacket back up, nodding to his friend with a relaxed sigh, "I'm glad to see some things working out in this war. You have to hold on to the little victories."

Thane didn't respond but he smiled at the comment and sat back into his seat. I wondered if he were always so pensive. He must have taken up my place as the voice of reason on the Normandy when I left. He did however open me up for my own line of conversation, "I've been meaning to ask, Shepard. What is my plan? Should I stay here on the citadel and take a transport back to Watson or can you use a hand aboard the Normandy? You know I'm more than willing to help the first human spectre fight off some husks like old times."

And just like that the commander of the Normandy went from tentatively relaxed right back to overstressed and difficult. I knew I should have just shut up and waited for him to tell me his thoughts eventually but I wanted to know now, it was my life right? "Honestly, I don't know what I want to do with you right now, Alex. Frankly, I don't want an untrained civilian with no previous military experience to come along to fight the strongest force ever faced in the universe. I wouldn't want you to get hurt and I wouldn't want one of my crew hurt trying to take care of you."

Even though he had hurt my pride a bit with that last bit I was still Shepard's friend so I considered his points thoroughly. "Shep, if you don't feel comfortable with the idea, I don't want to push you into it."

"But" he said, gesturing for me to go on.

"No buts, Shep. I'm not here to give you bullshit games about guilt. I implore you as a friend to think over when we were teammates and to allow me on board, but I don't want anyone's life to be at risk because I haven't worked with you in a year. You're right; I don't know the signs, the cues, the calls or the new tactics. I know how to hump it with a rifle, but you know I'm a shit shot and that hasn't changed much – although I'm pretty decent with a pistol now." I leaned in and glanced over at Shep with a smile, "Well, what is your plan?"

Shepard turned over an idea in his head, "Well, I have to get back to the Normandy and review some information before deciding what to do for now."

"What if I stayed here, I mean, Doc Chak said I can't do much until I heal up completely anyway. You'll be back here I'm assuming to check up on the Major anyway. It'll give you some time to mull over the idea of having your favorite guy around the ship again."

John didn't seem amused, in fact he frankly seemed to be tired of my voice but he nodded, "Alright, if you stay out of trouble here it'll give me some time to think it over."

John said goodbye to Thane and rose to leave with myself in tow. I caught his attention once more before he boarded the elevator. "Shep, do me a favor, huh?" He nodded with a sure and handed the reins back to me. "I don't get to make many decisions about my life. Let me make this one."

"I'll think it over, Alex. That's all I'll promise to do."

"As a commander or an ally?"

John's lips pursed up a bit and he furrowed his brow. "As a friend." A moment passed and he turned away, "I better go."

I watched him leave and settled back into the hospital seats across from Thane. "So, tell me a little about yourself Thane."

His eyes glazed over a bit and he began that strange Drell dreaming again. I pulled out my mental pen and paper and began to figure out just who this guy was. In the back of my mind I knew I had to just wait and see what Shepard would say. Unfortunately, not being in on the fight didn't make me feel any better about hearing the news and only Shepard could let me in on that fight. Unless….


	4. The Calm

Yeah, I'd met "commander" Bailey before but I'm not sure I liked him much as a c-sec errand boy and I was sure I wasn't going to like him any better with more resources underneath his belt. My current thoughts were thus: Shepard doesn't want me around because I'm too much of a liability as an untrained civilian – also, I believed his conscience was telling him not to bring me because of what happened on Purgatory. Now, with all of the advanced science we've developed in the future time travel still remains an elusive sonofa. Liara can lift people into the air and bend their spines inside of their bodies but I can't go back in time and not get ejected into space. What I _could_ do was eliminate that whole "untrained civilian" title. Who could deny me when I have destroying a reaper ship on my combat resume? In all honesty, Shepard did that part but I was in close proximity to him at the time!

On the way to Bailey's office I had to pass through multitudes of refugees. It seemed no one was safe from the Reaper invasion. They had hit hard and fast, leaving a wake of displaced and starving homeless for the Citadel to harbor. Strangely, I thought the citadel would be in danger, seeing that it was where most of the decisions were made for galactic defense, but what the reapers didn't know wouldn't hurt them. I passed an Elcor waiting in line and gave him a nod but he didn't respond back. His large eyes betrayed a hopeless face. For creatures without emotional context I found the best way to gauge them was by the lines around their eyes. If they were strained, you had a happy Elcor. If they were not, or were compressed, you had a content or dissatisfied Elcor. I wouldn't want to see one of those humped tanks angry. Someone told me once that they strapped cannons on their backs to fight. I imagined battle lines of turtle looking monsters humping AA missiles around while shouting something like "Courageously" or "With Inspiration". Sometimes you had to think of the ridiculous just to avoid dwelling on the obvious – thousands of people were pouring into the wards scared, alone, injured and famished and all they wanted was somewhere where they could find enough time to get in contact with their loved ones.

A family of Turians was huddled near the stairs to Bailey's office, speaking quietly amongst one another and eating something that resembled pasta to me. It didn't look fresh but they didn't seem to mind. Any port in a storm, I supposed. In the face of the older gentleman I saw every Turian I had ever met and began to feel that tug on my heartstrings. What kind of man was I if I didn't stand in the lines of the people fighting for these sickly families? I wasn't one to believe in a god given purpose in life and in fact I would defend any choice against another in the grand scheme of things, but I couldn't defend resting on my laurels when it could mean the end of so many lives.

That was the beauty of being part of the council. Since the advent of the discovery of the mass relays and the slaughter that followed, Humanity has had to think beyond themselves in scope. It was not enough to see Earth and its surrounding planets and pray that they could one day be a big, galactic family. Now we had to look at every system, find out who lives there and try to empathize with them. Looking at the different kinds of creatures that were begging for anything they could get their hands one, useful or not, it was hard to tell them apart. Thomas Hobbes said that all men are the same in the state of nature and how could I disagree when I was standing in the middle of a hurricane of pity and depression. Even the citadel workers were distressed beyond help. It was easy to ask C-sec for help, but we couldn't forget that the Turian holding a rifle in our defense wasn't immune to having his family decimated and his home destroyed. In the end, we were one universal voice, a harmony of different players singing the same sad song.

Having renewed my purpose I walked up to Commander Bailey's office and the door slid open with a soft sigh. The room was quiet and you could only really make out the faint mumblings of the news playing on a vid screen by the Commander's desk. As I approached he glanced up from the screen, visibly shaken from the news about Palaven and it took him a moment to regain his composure. No one could blame him. I extended my hand with a courteous glance and began quickly, "hello Commander. I'm not sure if you remember me but my name is Alexander Valestros, shipmate to Commander Shepard of the Normandy."

Bailey sized me up, his flat jaw bouncing up and down with a few clicks of his teeth as he thought. It must have been a nervous habit of his so I tried to ignore it. He turned to his computer and clicked on the keys for a second before responding, "I've got no recollection of you, Alex, but something in my gut tells me we've seen each other."

"I was part of the advance group that brought down Saren in the council chambers when the reaper ship Sovereign attacked. Shepard, Wrex and I were down below in the garden when it was all over and that bouncing bastard finally gave his last squeal."

Bailey's dark eyes squinted a bit but he didn't relent to me quite yet. "Why are you here, Alexander? If you're here to collect some kind of severance package for that act I'm sorry to say we've got nothing to spare but I'd be willing to give you a pat on the back if you'll get out of my office faster and stop wasting my time."

Ouch. "Actually, I was hoping you would recruit me into the alliance. I'm obviously qualified for combat and you won't have to waste your time or mine trying to train me for something I've done naturally since I was 10. I want Alliance resources behind me."

Bailey was watching something on a screen and he gave off a light whistle. "A quick search pulled up an amateur video of you in a skirmish with Cerberus forces on Watson. Looks like they came for a village of humans and found a Krogan."

I smiled a little bit. He was referring to an incident on Watson when Cerberus visited Aretha looking for something. They began to round up the colonists there and I was Johnny on the spot for the situation. It wasn't really hard to pick apart an advance team of ground forces when you've fought much bigger, scarier things on a regular basis. On Virmire I fought off biotic Krogans – that's like fighting a Tyrannosaurus Rex fused to a bulldozer that's been fitted with a sawed off shotgun. "That's quite the compliment."

He nodded, "I can't just put you through, I'm not a recruiter like that. This is impressive and god knows we need the help, but I just can't do that for ya'.

Annoyed I gave him a curt head shake, "I know you can do this for me. You're a Commander, you can do practically anything. What do you need for me to convince you to just throw me in the system?"

He gave me a queer look and barked out a laugh, "Well I sure as hell don't plan to help you if you haven't learned some respect for the rules. We aren't just fighting a war for the shits and giggles. You don't know how the Alliance works. We can't just do whatever we feel is appropriate; there are regulations to maintain for the safety of everyone."

And we begin with the Socratic bullshit. "Call Shepard, he'll verify me as a good resource."

Bailey sighed and sat back in his seat. "I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to waste his time also." He turned in his seat once or twice while scanning over me a couple times before he seemed to think of something that caused him to bit his lip in frustration. "I want to be out there, but I'm stuck in here watching everything go to hell over the news. I get what you're saying kid –"

"Then you understand that I can't just sit in the citadel until it's also swallowed up when I've got all the resources at my finger tips to help end this crap here and now." He tried to speak again but I filibustered him more, "If you really understand, then just put me in. I've been working with an N7 soldier for years. I know the codes, I know the proper conduct and I know when to help my team or stay the hell out of the way. I'm not asking you to promote me to Colonel, I'm just asking to be in the damn Alliance."

Bailey stayed completely silent for a few moments, clicking his teeth and shaking his head, "Don't make me regret bending the rules so you can just run in and get yourself killed." He turned to his computer and began filling something out before turning the screen and keyboard over to me, "write in all of this information and then as of today you'll be a private in the Alliance." I began typing and continued listening to his diatribe. "That means you have _no_ power to command and if anyone with literally any other title tells you to lick their boots, you better drop to all fours and be damn happy for the privilege."

I felt his stare sit heavily on me while I filled out the paperwork, fudging a few of the details here and there when I couldn't remember. Eventually he turned the set up back to himself and typed a couple more things before sitting back again in his chair and staring at me. "Alright, Private Alestros. You're going to report to Sergeant Ledley in the wards for instruction immediately. You got that? Let her know you've got no real training. She'll have to figure it out."

For the first time in my life, I kind of could stand Bailey. Maybe for Christmas I would send him a 5 credit gift card to somewhere in the wards. I put my hand out and he just shook his head while taking to his feet with a salute. My own in return was sloppier then his practiced, rigid form but he didn't scold me for it. As he returned to his computer I walked out of the room and began heading back to Huerta memorial. I knew there was a Major in there that could probably use some tending to and it just so happened I was a private now in need of direction. As I walked back I hailed the Normandy on my omnitool. Joker responded to me in a tired voice, "Well, well, well. Look who's all grown up and a lady already? I heard we saved your ass and you never came by to say hello. I gotta' say kid, that hurts."

I chuckled a bit; Joker was always one for levity. "Joker, I would have come to say hello but I didn't think I could rise to the occasion yet. Ya'know, you gotta' walk before you can run."

He gave a terse "ha-ha" and got to business, well Joker's version of business, "So what did you want? I got the message from Shepard that you weren't going to be staying with us on the trip to Eden Prime."

So that's where they were heading next. I began to wonder what was going on there that had Shepard so intrigued but I had something more pressing on my mind. "Do me a favor Joker, hail the commander for me and put him on voice would you?"

Joker laughed a bit and it sounded grainy on the waning connection, "Commander's right here, kiddo. Go ahead and speak to him for yourself."

Shepard's voice sparked out over my gauntlet and it made me smile for no reason, "So much for the sleep on it tactic, I guess?"

"Actually, Shep. I figured I'd inform you that as of today I just removed one of the entry barriers to coming aboard. You're no longer speaking to vigilante, Krogan-meat-shield Alex Valestros. You're in fact speaking with expertly skilled brawler Private Valestros of the Alliance forces."

Silence went on for a moment before I heard a whistle over the connection and a "yeesh" from Joker. "That was not what the Commander wanted to hear."

Shit. "What, did he leave already?"

"You don't know what that means. You could be pulled into any fray now, Alex. The commander was beat up when Purgatory went awry and now you went and put yourself in direct danger while flouting his authority. You really screwed this one up, private."

I buried my head in my hands and swallowed a cold lump of crow. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions, huh Joker?"

He laughed, "don't worry, the commander will tear you a new one soon enough. I'm sure you'll be able to explain to him your good intentions and he'll understand. You know he's a think before you biotic charge kind of guy."

I just wanted off this voicechat now. "Let Shep know that I wasn't doing it to go against him. I was doing it out of respect for all of the refugees here. Me being one of them currently."

"You completely ignored what we had just spoken about only a couple of hours ago," I knew that voice. Shep was back and Shep was pissed.

"I'm not sorry to be able to help these people Shepard."

"That's Commander Shepard, Private Valestros and I want you to go check on the Major. As of right now you're going to stay in that hospital until I can figure out how to keep you from killing yourself like a moron. Don't do anything else reckless, private."

The connection went dead and I found myself standing in the elevator next to a Salarian who seemed uncomfortable with the tone of my conversation. I turned to him and gave a weak smile, "I had good intentions." He just looked away cautiously.

Reentering Huerta I began to wonder if that Ledley woman I was supposed to find was going to be looking for me but I brushed the thought aside. They couldn't court martial a private on his first day when he got a direct command from an alliance commander. If I just kept saying that over and over, I would eventually build a bullet proof defense against my doubts. Thane wasn't anywhere to be seen so I figured I would head back in to see Kaidan and give him some company. He and I were never really close. We were shipmates, sure, but he only ever spoke to Ashley, Liara and Shepard. I tried to put myself out there but I think in the end I was just too different from him. I didn't know what it was like to be a biotic as Liara and Shepard did. I couldn't tell you the stress of being a soldier like Shepard or Ashley could. The only thing we shared was that he was born on Earth and I was also. I had tried that line a couple times but it never got me anywhere so I would just give him a wave and he would give me a nod in return. I was hoping something would have changed and Kaidan would be willing to relent a bit to me. I didn't need him to confess his inner demons; I just wanted something along the lines of an actual conversation where after I speak _he_ speaks also.

It was starting to get late when they finally allowed me to head back and speak to Kaidan but he was asleep and I didn't want to just linger around him. Instead I curled up on a couch in the lobby and tried to forget about how hungry I was so I could catch some sleep myself. All of that clever thinking had me pretty worn out like Dr. Chakwas had said it would. Although I couldn't sleep worth a shit in the public setting, where the lights were sickeningly white and the couch lumpier than a Krogan's hump, I was able to catnap on and off for a while. I just needed to bide my time until Shepard came back and then I knew I would be on that ship. My omnitool told me I had a few unread messages and I figured they were from Peter but I wasn't in the mood to read them. Was that selfish of me? My guilt forced me to glance through them with tired eyes. Each one was a page or more of recent on goings and "I miss you's". At the back of one was a picture of Peter standing in front of a pond where we had gone swimming once. Even in the orange hues of the omnitool I could tell it was a sunny, peaceful day back there. Back home. Pangs of hunger turned into pangs of homesickness and I had to click the picture off. My mission was to get back on the Normandy not to go home and indulge my feelings. I kept wrapping myself in philosophical doctrine until I wasn't miserable anymore. Some things were more important than love.

A nice doctor whose name I had never gotten woke me up only so many hours later and asked me why I was there. In a tired haze I tried to explain that I was resting from being injured, ala my arm bandages and that I had also been directed to keep watch on Major Alenko. She was good enough to bring me a little plate of proteins and didn't make a big deal out of me hanging around. I chomped through the boiled egg and set in on the peanut spread when I glanced up at the time and saw that I had been out for a solid 10 hours. Kaidan had to be up I was willing to bet, and it wouldn't hurt to check on him anyway so I meandered down the hall and made my way to his room. Only Kaidan was in there and he was lying on his back with one arm behind his head and the other holding a small book. Perfect, he must have been cohesive enough now to actually speak to. I walked into the room, finishing up the last bite of a little cookie that was packed up as a treat and I gave him a wave. "Hey Kaidan, how are you feeling?"

Kaidan seemed surprised to see me and he actually looked past me for a moment, I assumed he was looking for Shepard so I answered that question for him quickly. "Actually, it's just me. Shep left me here to keep an eye on you and make sure you didn't need anything."

He set his book down on his lap, dog-earing one of the pages. Frankly, I hated when people did that to my books so I hoped it was his own but I wouldn't comment on it in fear of sounding like a geek. His voice was always naturally low and husky but it didn't sound as weak as it once had. He still looked like re-heated plum pudding though. "I'm going to be alright. My doctor said I'll have to do a little physical therapy to strengthen some of the healing muscle tissue but I should be up and functional within a couple of days." His stare felt tangible to me, as if he were scanning me for any sign of ill motive. I tried not to let it bother me and returned, "you're a lucky duck, Kaidan. A lesser man would be dead."

Kaidan nodded, still looking at me but not returning any kind of communication. Thus we had returned to how times once were. I speak, he nods, I leave, he returns to whatever he was doing completely unphased. I guessed old habits die hard. "So, I'm a private in the Alliance army now and they ordered me to check up on you."

"I always said you should have joined up sooner. They did wonders for me and you and I share the same kind of past." Wait, we did? I practically got on my knees and begged him to elaborate. "Well, I didn't have much of a choice about my childhood and it left me searching for some kind of guidance. You really didn't have much of a choice either, if I remember correctly." He seemed to recall something, glancing out of the window on his left side which overlooked the citadel fountains, "What made you decide to finally join?"

In the past, before we knew Shepard had returned from the grave, Kaidan had offered to help enlist me into the Alliance when it became clear I didn't really have anything else but the Normandy which had been redecorated into only so much space debris. I had considered the proposal but decided against it, much to his disappointment. I was still only 17 or 18 and I had heard all of the griping from the Normandy's crew about the Alliance. I opted to instead head back to Omega and get back with Aria who was practically my godmother in a way. That was a long story. "Honestly, Shepard told me he wouldn't want me back on the ship since I was a civilian but I wanted to make his decision a little bit easier."

Kaidan seemed to grimace at my explanation as if he was disappointed and in pain from it, "You gave your next few years to the Alliance trying to convince Shepard to let you back on the Normandy?"

Yeah. "You don't understand Kaidan; the Normandy is what I know. I know Omega and I know what it's like to serve Shep. You guys were like my second home, returning to service isn't some play to make me feel better about myself or to serve the commander because he needs my help…." I thought about it for a moment and tried to put it in another light. "Do you like apple pie, Kaidan?"

He gave me a raised eyebrow and smiled a bit, his pearly whites livening up his tired smile, "It's alright, I guess. Why?"

"Imagine you could leave all of this behind and become just another person. You get a plain job, something like a farmhand, you meet a nice person whose interested in seeing you all of the time and thinks you're just the next best thing to mass effect fields, you get a nice room in a house full of giving, regular folks and you never have to worry about any of the galactic conflicts going on."

Kaidan nodded for me to go on without saying anything. He was a man of few words. "Imagine you live like this for a while, wake up one day and realize that today you're going to have apple pie. That's what you're waiting for. Apple pie becomes the best part of your day and you waste the next 14 hours just to be able to eat apple pie. Now remember what it was like to give of yourself to society, to serve Commander Shepard and adventure through space. Remember saving the galaxy from an organic robot overlord and then look at me and tell me that apple pie is the culmination of all of your effort. That you're ready to give up a life where you get to put your every doctrine to the test, where you can romanticize the adventure in your life, where the people you meet are all interesting and every location is dangerous but incredible and tell me that all you really want to do is watch the hours pass everyday so you can eat apple pie."

"Actually, that doesn't sound so bad. A life with someone where I don't have to worry about them being killed in action? It makes apple pie sound a lot more wholesome to me then fighting off Sovereign."

"You would drop all of this, drop Shepard and the Normandy and everyone you met, and go make a new life on an unknown planet with regular folks?"

Kaidan seemed to be at odds with himself, his eyes dancing back and forth from me to his lap, back to me, back to the hands rubbing over each other in his lap. "I don't know about that. I have some fond memories of being back home on Earth that I think I'd like to revisit. I could make a home there and be pretty happy, actually."

"I don't really have that option, Kaidan. Omega isn't a place where you bring someone nice to live a normal life. Maybe apple pie works for you, but it doesn't really work for me."

Kaidan nodded to me, taking a few moments to think. I looked him over again and waited for him to tell me something. A little more than a minute passed before he said anything but eventually he turned to me and touched his head as if he were beginning one of his infamous migraines. "All of this heavy thinking is starting to burn me out. I'm just a soldier, Alex. I'm not a therapist."

"I'm sorry; it wasn't my intention to vent my frustrations at you. Is there something I can get you, something to help your head?"

Kaidan smiled but recoiled from me a bit, "Am I that bad at being sarcastic that it makes you think I'm angry at you?"

"I'm never really sure how to feel around you, Kaidan. You're a hard guy to read."

"You may be the only person who ever said I was difficult other than Shepard." When he said the commander's name I could tell he was thinking of him fondly in the way his eyes lit up.

What was I supposed to say to that? The truth? Hardly. "Here we go, Shepard is so cute. Shepard is great. Shepard touches me in my private parts. I know, Kaidan. I know." Was that a joke or was I a little annoyed that he was waxing over the competition?

Kaidan shied away, his head burying deep down into the pillow he was laying on and turning away from me with a pale blush that showed only in his ears. "We aren't like that anymore. Things are different."

"I heard about Horizon, but after seeing you two together yesterday, you could hardly tell there was an issue. I didn't feel any tension lingering in the air."

"Well, you left the room so quickly you missed it. I was hoping you would linger around, help it so that conversation wouldn't come up so quickly."

"I must have misread your cue. I thought you wanted me out to have some private time to talk to Shepard."

Kaidan looked a bit serious, withdrawing his emotions back into himself stoically as he was prone to do, "There isn't much for us to say at this point. I made a mistake but I can't take it back and I can't forgive myself." He trailed off into his thoughts for a little while, letting only the hum of the machinery that was monitoring him fill the space of our empty conversation. Eventually he spoke to me, a little morose, "I'm going to try and take a nap. I'm feeling pretty tired."

"Of course, I'll get out of your hair Kaidan. If you need anything, I'll be in the waiting room."

"Don't worry about me; I've got the help of a really nice doctor who seems to have taken a liking to me."

I laughed a bit, "I don't have much of a choice. Shepard practically locked me in here."

Kaidan gave me a warm look and his tone improved a bit, "Seems like everyone is so concerned for me. Why do you think that is?"

I shrugged a bit, beginning to egress from the room so I wouldn't keep him up, "Someone has to take care of you Kaidan."

He smiled at me before turning back to look out the window. As I stepped out into the hallway a tall woman approached me in professional attire. She gave me a once over before speaking, "how is the major doing?"

She must have been Kaidan's aforementioned doctor, "he said he's feeling better. Seems to be pretty energetic now."

She smiled, "other than a few biotic flare ups he's a tough nut but I better make sure he's alright."

I realized that was her nice way of asking me to step out of the way so I mouthed a quick "oh" and stepped aside. Without a word she just walked past me and into his room. Through the glass I caught a glance of Kaidan smiling at the woman and realized that that was our first real conversation in – well – ever. I didn't know whether I wanted to high five the next person I saw or begin writing love sonnets to recite for him. Hopefully I'd be aboard the Normandy soon. I don't know how long I could last without turning into a groveling mess.


End file.
